To say that I haven’t blogged in a while would be an
understatement.
My last blog post was regarding love and how I wouldn’t
settle for anything less than something that sets your soul on fire, I also
blogged about starting my own business.
Today I will tie both of those factors into my blog post as
it’s been a tricky ride for me over the last year. I have become vegetarian, I
have started and registered my own company and have a few failed attempts at
what I thought was love or could’ve been love.
Let me start with the adulating bit the bit that is shaping
me and that has given me many anxiety attacks.
I started my company in January 2016 and registered it in
May 2016. I Have since created a website, started a Facebook page, worked three
events in 2016 and had lots of hours of hard manual labour. I have been pushed
to do better to be better and to do things that are almost impossible until the
event was completed, I have had to import things from other countries to suit
my client’s expectations.
Also as a grown up you need to take a lot more
responsibility and there’s so much more of that when it comes to dedicated to
keep your own company going. Needless to say for tax purposes I was supposed to
keep all my slips throughout the year to claim for tax purposes. I being the
person whose things are always everywhere I lost all of them even though I kept
them together at one stage. I have to go explain myself to SARS now, as my
financial year-end is February.
My dad has also asked how I feel about immigrating and my
answer was yes without any blinking or hesitation. I think the reason for me
being so sure is the fact that I have felt
a lack of support from my Dad, I don’t blame him I know he has a lot on
his plate and I know I am a grown woman which makes it seem funny that I would
need that support but I need it, I get caught in a whirl wind of emotions often
very often but I hide them extremely well. My dad has been paying a lot of
attention to my sister and her completing her pilot’s license, which I understand,
is important but It feels like I have been put on a back burner.
It’s the little things that get to me yes I have been given
the amazing opportunity to rent space from my Dad free of charge for a year but
I am seeking so much more from life. I want to get my foot in the door of my
industry it’s a bit hard as I am not financially able and I often wonder if
this was the right decision for me or if I was to hasty on the other hand I
look back and I feel proud of how far I have come at my age and doing it all by
myself, but sometimes being your own support system doesn’t work and you crash
because of being expected to just being able to hold your own ground because
other people think you are a “strong” person.
Immigrating sounds like a way out, a way to be independent
and a way to start over. A new beginning just sounds so amazing. Where I don’t need to prove anything to
anyone.
I am however in two minds about it. I am not sure if I want
to immigrate to escape life here, or if I am unhappy in my present state of
being. I don’t want to immigrate if I am doing it purely for running away,
because running away never solves the matter that’s really at hand. I’ll be
taking a few days or maybe months to make my final decision but for now it’s
leaning toward immigrating.
On the matters of love. Heartbreak never gets easier; you
just learn how to deal with the pain. This will be the first time I open up on
the matters of the heart in this way.. I have always had a positive outlook on
the subject but my opinions have changed.
I fell in love with
someone completely for the first time, with his whole being, for not being
ashamed of who he was, he didn’t know but he was the reason I started becoming
my true self without having to explain it to anybody. He knew I liked him I
just don’t think he realized how much, we drifted and reconnected and drifted
and reconnected but at the end of the day my idea or image I had of him that I
so highly praised for being unique, crashed in a single night.
I hurt like I have never hurt before because for the first
time someone accepted me for being me and not who I pretended to be to the
outside world, It’s funny how one night can change your perspective of a
person. I never spoke to him for months but we get on well again and we have
remained friends and I can honestly say it was a learning curb for me I have
taken so much from the ups and downs and I am grateful because through this
person I have learnt to be happy with myself and not to be ashamed of who I am
even though I don’t fit society’s description of so called “normal”
I also saw a guy for a few months I won’t go into detail
because he blogs as well and he might end up seeing this so HIII, you know who
you are. He was indecisive and I should’ve known guys my age usually don’t make
life decisions on girls at a young age and are still trying to figure out this
whole life thing out.
Lastly right person completely wrong timing. A blast from
the past. My first actual boyfriend that I introduced my family to. It’s just
messy going back to the past and therefore we both decided to just leave things
and see if in the future if we still feel the same way.. Well maybe not since I
might be moving to another country.
My thoughts on love were happy and I made it seem to be this
wonderful thing, when in fact it is rare, extremely painful, hard to find,
ruled by outer appearance rather than what inside, In short it’s messy and I am
not sure if I want any part of it anymore. Maybe I’ll adopt a child and maybe
I’ll be happily married and laugh at this post one day, well who knows for now
I want to be alone which doesn’t mean I am lonely. You can be in a room full of
people and still feel lonely if you are not content with yourself.
I’ll be working on myself from now on because everyone
thinks they are content, happy, “independent”(which has many different
definitions). In this society we are told what we need to be and if you have
said things you will be happy. I believe no one can teach you how to be
content, happy, etc. unless you know who you are and what you like and don’t
like and be able to stand your ground and say flip you society this is who I am
whether you like it or not, I am not completely content yet because a part of
me still wants to fit in but I am slowly growing into the person I am supposed
to be. I am filled with mixed emotions but it’s part of the Journey.
